I’m writing for Madatoms.com, which is a new site that is just being made. Right now it’s not much to look at (site design coming soon) but it’s got some great funny content (by myself and others).
Check out my latest blog entry for Madatoms:
Hollywood Home and Garden: Mexican or Meth
If you dig deep enough you can find other stuff by me too…
I have a new boyfriend. We met last Sunday at the Grove. His name is iPhone and today is our one week anniversary! He’s great; he makes me laugh, he has great taste in music, we eat together, watch youtube, go shopping, he sleeps right next to me on my bed and he loves talking on the phone!
To celebrate our one week anniversary, we made a porno together today! He’s not shy so he said its okay to post it in my blog, so here it is:
Amanda: Oh, iphone you’re so cute.
iPhone: No, YOU’RE so cute Amanda.
Amanda: Hahaha. iPhone, you make me laugh.
Amanda: i love you with a lower case i.
iPhone: i love YOU with a lower case i.
Muah!
Amanda: Oh iPhone, I’m so hot for you. Lets take this rubber off! I want to feel your cool chrome against my skin!
iPhone: You’re so dirty! Yeah, take it off!
Amanda: Throw this iCondom away!
Amanda: Oh, iPhone, you feel soooooo good.
iPhone: i’m cuming!
Amanda: me too!
Amanda: Mmmmm, that was good.
muah.
iPhone: iSpoon?
Amanda: Yes please.
The End.
I got called for jury duty and had to report on Monday. I was supposed to be at the courthouse at 8:45 in the morning but I overslept and woke up at 8:22! My stupid trio alarm clock failed me. Maybe I finally dropped it one too many times. Luckily the courthouse was super close to my house (10 blocks maybe) so while I didn’t have time to shower I did have time to semi-do my hair, do a quick email check, grab a protein bar from the coffee shop on my block and get to the courthouse only a few minutes late.
Then we sat around for a few hours, watched a cheesy video on being a juror and were debriefed on the process by this guy that kinda looked like John Goodman with frosted blonde highlights. This girl sitting near me looked familiar and I became convinced that it was Millie from Freaks and Geeks- she even had some of the same mannerisms- she was reading a script and this older dude sitting next to her was chatting her up.
After sitting around for 2 and a half hours during which I read a book about how my parents probably messed me up before I could even talk, they dismissed us for a 2 hour lunch. I overheard old guy ask Millie to lunch but she said she had errands. I went home, checked my email and took a nice long shower and imbded Millie and found out her real name is Sarah Hagen and that the girl at jury duty, on second look doesn’t look so much like Millie as I initially thought.
When we returned from lunch, frosted John Goodman brought us into the courtroom were the judge told us about the case and the process. It was a tranny prostitution case and the defendant was some guy named Brandon with boobs and long curly black hair. The judge explained that these cases were hard to select juries for because a lot of people have problems being impartial for various reasons, either they have problems with trannies, don’t believe prostitution should be illegal etc.
Personally I don’t think prostitution should be illegal. I mean if a tranny wants to suck dick and get paid for it then more power to him/her. It’s like they say “follow your bliss”, and that’s all he/she is doing. There is nothing more American than doing what you love and getting paid for it. And even though I generally do follow the law, I do kinda have a problem with being an enforcer of a law that I don’t believe in. So when they called my name as Juror #1 I was psyched, I’m going to be out of here so fast I thought.
But then they decided to take another break so we all had to leave the court room for 10 minutes, except at the end of the 10 minutes instead of going back in they just sent us all home for the day and said we had to come back tomorrow at 11am. Which was very annoying.
Day 2, I show up at 11 and read more of my book for 15 minutes before they send us on another 2 hour lunch. So I called my friend Thibault who just quit his job last week and lives 4 blocks from the courthouse to see if he wants to go to lunch. He does so we go to “Dive” on Highland which used to be called “Highland Grounds” and Thibault tells me everything on the menu is about a B, not great but not bad either, but he’s sick of the 101 and I’ve never ate there before so whatever, thats where we go.
After lunch we get back and sit in the hallway for a while where I finish my book about my childhood pain, until they call us in and we start the jury selection process. I’m up first and so I tell them my name, that I’m not married, I live in Hollywood, I work in an office for a clothing store and have never been on a jury. Then they ask if there is any reason I couldn’t be an impartial juror and I tell them I believe prostitution should be legal and I would find it very difficult to set aside my beliefs and be an impartial juror. I half think they are going to dismiss me right there but we have to hear from all the rest of the 18 potentials first.
A few other people say similar things to me, most people say they think they would have no problem being a juror and one guy tells the judge he doesn’t think he should be a juror because he thinks that all trannies are prostitutes so he automatically thinks the guy is guilty. The judge asks him if he’s just saying that to get out of it and he says no. The judge then tells him what if you were arrested for drunk driving and you weren’t drunk, wouldn’t you want a jury that wouldn’t automatically assume you were guilty and the guy said that that would be a different situation (duh, but thats not the point dumbo) and yeah he would want an impartial jury which is why he wouldn’t make a good juror.
Millie, whose name I find out is not Sarah, it is Cynthia or something, and she’s not an actress, but a film editor or something, says she thinks she can be impartial. I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t ask her if she was Millie from Freaks and Geeks. I mean I don’t really think saying you look like the awkward goodie goodie nerd girl on Freaks and Geeks is a compliment. I know, one time this guy at the Coffeebean said I look like Tori Spelling, which isn’t even true but I was still insulted.
After break they dismiss me and a few of the other jurors but not the guy who said that he thinks all trannies are automatically guilty- he had to stay. Then I got a little certificate that says I get paid $15 for my time and I don’t have to do jury duty again for a year. I’m going to have to buy myself something nice with that $15. I wonder how much a blowjob runs these days?
I got carded at the pharmacy the other day for buying Sudafed. They wrote down my address and drivers license and everything. Which makes me think, its a good thing I was only making a really small batch of meth, becuase if I was making a big one, I could probably get in a lot of trouble!
Thank God 7-11 has finally started serving Fusion Energy Coffee
Finally, coffee and energy fused into one drink! I don’t know how many times I’ve walked into 7-11 and thought, I want the taste of coffee, but I am so tired, whatever shall I do? Well now I never have to wish for a hot beverage that not only tastes like bitter hazlenut infused mud, but actually wakes me up! What will they think of next? Beer that gets you drunk? Cigarettes that cause cancer? how about condoms that not only look cool when your guy puts them on his dick but actually prevent pregnancy and stuff. Hey, a girl can dream!